Random Quote
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40 000 pieces. And when you finish it it says 'go outside.'
Quotes By Demetri Martin
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I like women but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars...
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If I have to move up in a building I choose the elevator over the escalator....
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner...
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do...
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I tend to avoid televisions politics and places with velvet ropes.
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And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to...
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And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years so I had temp...
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I love women but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are...
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My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes you always get another...
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I think that when you get dressed in the morning sometimes you're really...
Quotes About Funny
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The last person they expected to connect with a screenplay was the comedic...
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But I think funny and talent will always win out I mean of course there are...
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It is funny because the guy who is my boss now Howard Stern has a...
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I have a funny family but none of them are remotely in show business.
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When we criticize in Iran the actions of the government the fundamentalists...
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So it was just funny to read a script that was just similar to what had been...
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People are funny and in the most tragic situations when comedy erupts from...
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It's funny though because when I first started going to races after we met...
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My parents are both very funny but they're also relatively soft-spoken...
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I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like and it doesn't go...